Why is it an idle mind is a BUSY mind?? I have too much time on my hands, time to sit and aimlessly think think think...even when at my computer doing something (which is usually mindless) I'm thinking all the time. Reliving the past, worrying about the present, dreaming about the future. A lot of what ifs, I should have, why did I, and how could I accomplish this. Some days its easy to sort of shut down the thinking process, but lately its impossible. It wakes me up, keeps me from getting to sleep, I toss and turn, screaming inside "SHUT UP!!!" And just when I think I have it down to a dull roar, that little voice pipes up and says "oh, but have you thought of THIS??"
I relive my past way too much; my husband's death, caring for my mother and her death, past loves who have filled me with great joy or huge disappointment, my childhood, my working days...all the bad things that happened, things I did that was stupid or wrong, wrongs done to me (and there were many, but haven't we all suffered at one time or another??). The birth of my son, my grandchildren. Losing my job, which was humiliating and humbling, the loss of my home and dignity. Things I should put out of my mind and can't, memories that will remain and should...why do they all must jumble around so much lately??
It doesn't help I'm on a nostalgia music kick; you know, songs that immediately remind you of a place and time, a person or event. So I play them...they stick in my mind and play over and over, invoking the memory they represent, making my mood almost manic with happiness or sadness, anger or whatever the feeling was at the time.
I know we do this as we grow older. But please, I'm only 51 and shouldn't be doing this yet! Time to find some busy work, something that I can quiet the inner voices down some, so I can maybe not feel like I'm going insane.
Note to self: do not pull up YouTube tomorrow and look for Journey (Lovin, Touching, Squeezin; Lights) U2 (With or Without You; You Say), Savage Garden (I Knew I Loved You), or Scorpions (Wind of Change) puhleeze!!! The day will go better if you just leave it be!!
PS Interested in someone right now...must not scare this one off with my clingy tendencies!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Long time no see??
Just as I feared...I get so busy my blog gets left behind. But like a faithful dog, it is still here, waiting for a pat on the head. Truth is, I have been afraid to get back on here, seeing how I made such a fool of myself with my last post. As you might guess, it was a bust. I should have known!! But its all good. Its not important enough to spend days, weeks, months, or even 3 years worrying about.
So where have I been...would you believe hell and back?? Maybe that's a bit over the top. But the important thing is, I'm still here. My parents have both just died in December, my son is still living 3 hours away, my grandchildren are growing like weeds, and I'm still floundering as far as my personal life goes. Some things are better, however. I'm no longer penniless and am able to handle my own personal needs. I have a few creature comforts now, some new wardrobe items, and can take delight in little things like salon hair cuts and adding to my ever growing library of books. But as far as the matters of the heart, I'm still in limbo. I do have one I having tugging at my heartstrings, but for now, I cannot jump in without repercussions. Sigh.
I have a confession to make; I've always known this but never really admitted to to anyone. I'm extremely fearful, but in such intense awe that I cannot help myself from studying, looking for, and seeking out, all that is of past lives. I'm not kidding...I'm talking about statues, art work, ruins and temples and other huge gathering places from ancient times....I feel so small, insignificant and scared!! Its as if I can feel those who lived there or wandered through and their presence touches me in a way that tells me that I'm intruding on their hallowed grounds.
My fear, I think, comes from an antique my grandmother kept. Its comparable to the viewfinders kids have these days (or do they even HAVE those these days?? More popular during my son's time, I think) Post cards in color were printed double, side by side, and these cards were placed on the fitting at the end of the viewer. When you look through the lenses, the 2 become one, and in 3D. My favorite but most feared was one of the Great Pyramid of Giza. It leapt out at me, making me certain the mummies of the crypts would come stumbling out onto the sand, reaching for my eyes. I know, how childish. But it was an impression I never could rid myself of. I"m still facinated with all that is Eygptian, and I think my place of choice to visit when growing up would have been there. But....I know I am too afraid of feeling all those past lives brushing against me, the vast echoing spaces of their temples and ruins overpowering me, to where I would not be able to enjoy it. Even museums, as much as I adore them, give me a feeling of intimidation. Yet, i can't help but seek them out everywhere I go. Strange, huh?
I've always had a feeling for past lives. Maybe its been ingrained into me, my grandmother bought and sold antiques until she died when I was 19. Every piece she owned always reminded me that someone owned them before; cooked with them, sat on them, put clothing into them, slept on them. I always imagined how their lives went, using these items. I wondered what their dreams were, if they met every goal, or if they died regretting some major part of their life. I had my own 4 poster bed and I would spend hours laying on it, imagining some girl from the past doing the same. I guess I'm just an old soul myself.
Anyway...the beauty of the internet allows me to see places I know I'm never going to see, with only a hint of the fear, but all of the awe, I would have. Thank God I don't need a passport for this. ;-)
So where have I been...would you believe hell and back?? Maybe that's a bit over the top. But the important thing is, I'm still here. My parents have both just died in December, my son is still living 3 hours away, my grandchildren are growing like weeds, and I'm still floundering as far as my personal life goes. Some things are better, however. I'm no longer penniless and am able to handle my own personal needs. I have a few creature comforts now, some new wardrobe items, and can take delight in little things like salon hair cuts and adding to my ever growing library of books. But as far as the matters of the heart, I'm still in limbo. I do have one I having tugging at my heartstrings, but for now, I cannot jump in without repercussions. Sigh.
I have a confession to make; I've always known this but never really admitted to to anyone. I'm extremely fearful, but in such intense awe that I cannot help myself from studying, looking for, and seeking out, all that is of past lives. I'm not kidding...I'm talking about statues, art work, ruins and temples and other huge gathering places from ancient times....I feel so small, insignificant and scared!! Its as if I can feel those who lived there or wandered through and their presence touches me in a way that tells me that I'm intruding on their hallowed grounds.
My fear, I think, comes from an antique my grandmother kept. Its comparable to the viewfinders kids have these days (or do they even HAVE those these days?? More popular during my son's time, I think) Post cards in color were printed double, side by side, and these cards were placed on the fitting at the end of the viewer. When you look through the lenses, the 2 become one, and in 3D. My favorite but most feared was one of the Great Pyramid of Giza. It leapt out at me, making me certain the mummies of the crypts would come stumbling out onto the sand, reaching for my eyes. I know, how childish. But it was an impression I never could rid myself of. I"m still facinated with all that is Eygptian, and I think my place of choice to visit when growing up would have been there. But....I know I am too afraid of feeling all those past lives brushing against me, the vast echoing spaces of their temples and ruins overpowering me, to where I would not be able to enjoy it. Even museums, as much as I adore them, give me a feeling of intimidation. Yet, i can't help but seek them out everywhere I go. Strange, huh?
I've always had a feeling for past lives. Maybe its been ingrained into me, my grandmother bought and sold antiques until she died when I was 19. Every piece she owned always reminded me that someone owned them before; cooked with them, sat on them, put clothing into them, slept on them. I always imagined how their lives went, using these items. I wondered what their dreams were, if they met every goal, or if they died regretting some major part of their life. I had my own 4 poster bed and I would spend hours laying on it, imagining some girl from the past doing the same. I guess I'm just an old soul myself.
Anyway...the beauty of the internet allows me to see places I know I'm never going to see, with only a hint of the fear, but all of the awe, I would have. Thank God I don't need a passport for this. ;-)
Friday, July 18, 2008
The fork in the road
I've come to that fork in the road....the one that you try to guess which direction you take that will give you the most satisfaction in life. You can't tell from looking which is best, you just trust your instincts and hope for the best. The direction I'm taking evidently is the one meant for me to take.
Quick question; do you believe in love at first sight?? Seriously....do you?? I never did. It never happened to me, and I thought those who believed were seriously deluded. After all, you can't honestly expect to know someone just from a glance, or a short time (we're talking a couple of days) of knowing. Well, here is what has changed my mind.
I recently went through a 6 month long relationship that I THOUGHT was it. Despite my inner misgivings, I really wanted it to work out. It didn't. I'm getting pretty good at this rejection thing...sigh Anyway, I decided that's it, no more, I"ll just spend my life alone, thank you very much. I had a wonderful marriage until he died and I decided after this one that I am sick of looking for Mr Right Now...I won't settle for anything less than "Mr Right".
However, last week I decided to (and don't ask me why, just felt compelled to) rejoin a singles site and see what's out there. I hadn't been on it for more than a day or two when I came across a guy's page who was quite outspoken what he DIDN"T want. Well, apparently this site tells the members who has been checking them out, because the next day I get a message "I'm interested in you too". We sent innersite emails back and forth when he said "Jeri, we need to talk in real time!!" So we exchanged IM names and started talking. And talking....and talking....we had so much in common, it was scary. And we had enough differences to make things interesting. The more we talked, the more I wanted to meet this guy. Last weekend alone we talked 8 hours on Saturday!! So on Tuesday, he took me to lunch. Just the first glance of him walking up to my door was it....I knew it! He's the one!
You'd think I'd be more cautious, after so many failed relationships in the past 8 years, and God knows I've tried to continue that with him, but I just got the feeling being cautious this time wasn't the answer...its time to throw caution to the wind and allow whatever happens to happen. Will I get hurt later??? I don't believe I will, and if for some awful chance I DO, well, at least I can say I took a chance, embraced what was in front of me, and took it as far as I can go. I think just that alone is well worth the risk. HE'S worth the risk.
Oh and in case you wonder, he says he feels the same way. I know I can look into his eyes and see my future...and the future looks wonderful!!
Quick question; do you believe in love at first sight?? Seriously....do you?? I never did. It never happened to me, and I thought those who believed were seriously deluded. After all, you can't honestly expect to know someone just from a glance, or a short time (we're talking a couple of days) of knowing. Well, here is what has changed my mind.
I recently went through a 6 month long relationship that I THOUGHT was it. Despite my inner misgivings, I really wanted it to work out. It didn't. I'm getting pretty good at this rejection thing...sigh Anyway, I decided that's it, no more, I"ll just spend my life alone, thank you very much. I had a wonderful marriage until he died and I decided after this one that I am sick of looking for Mr Right Now...I won't settle for anything less than "Mr Right".
However, last week I decided to (and don't ask me why, just felt compelled to) rejoin a singles site and see what's out there. I hadn't been on it for more than a day or two when I came across a guy's page who was quite outspoken what he DIDN"T want. Well, apparently this site tells the members who has been checking them out, because the next day I get a message "I'm interested in you too". We sent innersite emails back and forth when he said "Jeri, we need to talk in real time!!" So we exchanged IM names and started talking. And talking....and talking....we had so much in common, it was scary. And we had enough differences to make things interesting. The more we talked, the more I wanted to meet this guy. Last weekend alone we talked 8 hours on Saturday!! So on Tuesday, he took me to lunch. Just the first glance of him walking up to my door was it....I knew it! He's the one!
You'd think I'd be more cautious, after so many failed relationships in the past 8 years, and God knows I've tried to continue that with him, but I just got the feeling being cautious this time wasn't the answer...its time to throw caution to the wind and allow whatever happens to happen. Will I get hurt later??? I don't believe I will, and if for some awful chance I DO, well, at least I can say I took a chance, embraced what was in front of me, and took it as far as I can go. I think just that alone is well worth the risk. HE'S worth the risk.
Oh and in case you wonder, he says he feels the same way. I know I can look into his eyes and see my future...and the future looks wonderful!!
Monday, July 7, 2008
Dark skies for a summer day
OOOh I hate days like this. Just when I think I can't sink any lower into depression, the first week of July rolls around and boom, I'm there. Its bad enough that my financial situation is no better, and doesn't look like its going to improve any time soon, but the 6th and 8th of July is always so hard for me.
July 6, 1998, my grandfather, who raised me, passed away at the age of 80. Ok, sure, he had a long good life, but that doesn't make me miss him any less. My grandmother died Jan 26 1980, a year before my son was born, and yep, missing her too. But July was a double whammy for me. Why? July 8 2000, my beloved husband Tom was killed in a senseless car accident. He was my soul mate, my best friend, everything I could ever want. We had just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary, and his 38th birthday just that April. Anyway, losing them both, plus my darling cousin Skyla to Cystic Fibrosis 3 weeks before Tom, just weighs so heavily on me. And each year I think I'm going to get past those dates with less pain, and nope, doesn't happen. Skyla was only 15...Tom was only 38. Two lives cut so short...not fair!
And to top THAT off, my son called me earlier today. They live 35 min from me now, and I barely get down there to spend time with him and his wife, not to mention spoiling my 3 little sweeties. Well, he wanted to let me know that they are moving to Joplin (3 hours or so away!) the first of next month. I'll miss James' 27th birthday Aug 21, Thomas' 4th birthday Oct 2, Radonna's 29th birthday Oct 26, and Fallon's 6th birthday December 17. Oh and lets not forget the holidays!!! I simply cannot drive down there (not only have I not driven for a year, due to my Meniere's Disease), but my ex STILL has my car! With no income at all, I can't take a bus. I'm really happy for them, working out problems and allowing Radonna to be close to her family after being away from them for 6 years, but that doesn't mean I can be happy about my only chick moving so far away from me.
Anyways, they say its theraputic to write down things when you're upset. So we'll see......
July 6, 1998, my grandfather, who raised me, passed away at the age of 80. Ok, sure, he had a long good life, but that doesn't make me miss him any less. My grandmother died Jan 26 1980, a year before my son was born, and yep, missing her too. But July was a double whammy for me. Why? July 8 2000, my beloved husband Tom was killed in a senseless car accident. He was my soul mate, my best friend, everything I could ever want. We had just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary, and his 38th birthday just that April. Anyway, losing them both, plus my darling cousin Skyla to Cystic Fibrosis 3 weeks before Tom, just weighs so heavily on me. And each year I think I'm going to get past those dates with less pain, and nope, doesn't happen. Skyla was only 15...Tom was only 38. Two lives cut so short...not fair!
And to top THAT off, my son called me earlier today. They live 35 min from me now, and I barely get down there to spend time with him and his wife, not to mention spoiling my 3 little sweeties. Well, he wanted to let me know that they are moving to Joplin (3 hours or so away!) the first of next month. I'll miss James' 27th birthday Aug 21, Thomas' 4th birthday Oct 2, Radonna's 29th birthday Oct 26, and Fallon's 6th birthday December 17. Oh and lets not forget the holidays!!! I simply cannot drive down there (not only have I not driven for a year, due to my Meniere's Disease), but my ex STILL has my car! With no income at all, I can't take a bus. I'm really happy for them, working out problems and allowing Radonna to be close to her family after being away from them for 6 years, but that doesn't mean I can be happy about my only chick moving so far away from me.
Anyways, they say its theraputic to write down things when you're upset. So we'll see......
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Destination Boresville
Ok, I started yet ANOTHER blog...hopefully I can keep up with it. Why do I want a blog?? I dunno...it sounded good at the moment! Seriously, sometimes you want to get it out and there's no one around you want to tell it to, so why not just put it up on the net for anyone who is so desperate to read about another person's life to read?? Did that make any sense??? Knowing me, probably not!
I am usually very busy when I get online...I have my pixel site that I'm always trying to work on, sites to go get more pixels from, reading email, etc, or chatting with my guy, Denny. Hell, even having one of my many friends pop up to chat! Not so the past few days. Where IS everyone?? Denny works nights, 12 hour shifts, so I know I won't be chatting with him much until the weekend, but usually there's SOMETHING going on somewhere. I think its just me; been in a rut, need something new to look excited about, not sure where to get it. Don't worry, I don't get this way very often.
Oh, was reading another person's blog (gasp!! I am on of those people who like to read about others' lives!!) about American Idol and the recent axing of Carly Smithson. Man, I agree!!! She was way better than say "wet behind the ears" David (what's that kid's last name?? No, not Cook...the OTHER David). Oh please let the black girl begone next week. Do NOT like her one bit!! Brooke is ok, love Jason (except I wanna grab scissors and chop off those dreads!!!) and DAVID COOK!! WHOOO!!! The boy is from Missouri, my state, and lives about 2 hours from me. Its about time we got someone else from Missouri to show the rest of the states that we aren't all hicks and mules around here!! I kinda miss Michael Johns...he was good, but got kinda cocky too. But you k now I'm rooting for my "homeboy" David.
Ok, enough rambling for my first entry. Hopefully I'll have something a little less whiny in my next entry!!!
I am usually very busy when I get online...I have my pixel site that I'm always trying to work on, sites to go get more pixels from, reading email, etc, or chatting with my guy, Denny. Hell, even having one of my many friends pop up to chat! Not so the past few days. Where IS everyone?? Denny works nights, 12 hour shifts, so I know I won't be chatting with him much until the weekend, but usually there's SOMETHING going on somewhere. I think its just me; been in a rut, need something new to look excited about, not sure where to get it. Don't worry, I don't get this way very often.
Oh, was reading another person's blog (gasp!! I am on of those people who like to read about others' lives!!) about American Idol and the recent axing of Carly Smithson. Man, I agree!!! She was way better than say "wet behind the ears" David (what's that kid's last name?? No, not Cook...the OTHER David). Oh please let the black girl begone next week. Do NOT like her one bit!! Brooke is ok, love Jason (except I wanna grab scissors and chop off those dreads!!!) and DAVID COOK!! WHOOO!!! The boy is from Missouri, my state, and lives about 2 hours from me. Its about time we got someone else from Missouri to show the rest of the states that we aren't all hicks and mules around here!! I kinda miss Michael Johns...he was good, but got kinda cocky too. But you k now I'm rooting for my "homeboy" David.
Ok, enough rambling for my first entry. Hopefully I'll have something a little less whiny in my next entry!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)