Why is it an idle mind is a BUSY mind?? I have too much time on my hands, time to sit and aimlessly think think think...even when at my computer doing something (which is usually mindless) I'm thinking all the time. Reliving the past, worrying about the present, dreaming about the future. A lot of what ifs, I should have, why did I, and how could I accomplish this. Some days its easy to sort of shut down the thinking process, but lately its impossible. It wakes me up, keeps me from getting to sleep, I toss and turn, screaming inside "SHUT UP!!!" And just when I think I have it down to a dull roar, that little voice pipes up and says "oh, but have you thought of THIS??"
I relive my past way too much; my husband's death, caring for my mother and her death, past loves who have filled me with great joy or huge disappointment, my childhood, my working days...all the bad things that happened, things I did that was stupid or wrong, wrongs done to me (and there were many, but haven't we all suffered at one time or another??). The birth of my son, my grandchildren. Losing my job, which was humiliating and humbling, the loss of my home and dignity. Things I should put out of my mind and can't, memories that will remain and should...why do they all must jumble around so much lately??
It doesn't help I'm on a nostalgia music kick; you know, songs that immediately remind you of a place and time, a person or event. So I play them...they stick in my mind and play over and over, invoking the memory they represent, making my mood almost manic with happiness or sadness, anger or whatever the feeling was at the time.
I know we do this as we grow older. But please, I'm only 51 and shouldn't be doing this yet! Time to find some busy work, something that I can quiet the inner voices down some, so I can maybe not feel like I'm going insane.
Note to self: do not pull up YouTube tomorrow and look for Journey (Lovin, Touching, Squeezin; Lights) U2 (With or Without You; You Say), Savage Garden (I Knew I Loved You), or Scorpions (Wind of Change) puhleeze!!! The day will go better if you just leave it be!!
PS Interested in someone right now...must not scare this one off with my clingy tendencies!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Long time no see??
Just as I feared...I get so busy my blog gets left behind. But like a faithful dog, it is still here, waiting for a pat on the head. Truth is, I have been afraid to get back on here, seeing how I made such a fool of myself with my last post. As you might guess, it was a bust. I should have known!! But its all good. Its not important enough to spend days, weeks, months, or even 3 years worrying about.
So where have I been...would you believe hell and back?? Maybe that's a bit over the top. But the important thing is, I'm still here. My parents have both just died in December, my son is still living 3 hours away, my grandchildren are growing like weeds, and I'm still floundering as far as my personal life goes. Some things are better, however. I'm no longer penniless and am able to handle my own personal needs. I have a few creature comforts now, some new wardrobe items, and can take delight in little things like salon hair cuts and adding to my ever growing library of books. But as far as the matters of the heart, I'm still in limbo. I do have one I having tugging at my heartstrings, but for now, I cannot jump in without repercussions. Sigh.
I have a confession to make; I've always known this but never really admitted to to anyone. I'm extremely fearful, but in such intense awe that I cannot help myself from studying, looking for, and seeking out, all that is of past lives. I'm not kidding...I'm talking about statues, art work, ruins and temples and other huge gathering places from ancient times....I feel so small, insignificant and scared!! Its as if I can feel those who lived there or wandered through and their presence touches me in a way that tells me that I'm intruding on their hallowed grounds.
My fear, I think, comes from an antique my grandmother kept. Its comparable to the viewfinders kids have these days (or do they even HAVE those these days?? More popular during my son's time, I think) Post cards in color were printed double, side by side, and these cards were placed on the fitting at the end of the viewer. When you look through the lenses, the 2 become one, and in 3D. My favorite but most feared was one of the Great Pyramid of Giza. It leapt out at me, making me certain the mummies of the crypts would come stumbling out onto the sand, reaching for my eyes. I know, how childish. But it was an impression I never could rid myself of. I"m still facinated with all that is Eygptian, and I think my place of choice to visit when growing up would have been there. But....I know I am too afraid of feeling all those past lives brushing against me, the vast echoing spaces of their temples and ruins overpowering me, to where I would not be able to enjoy it. Even museums, as much as I adore them, give me a feeling of intimidation. Yet, i can't help but seek them out everywhere I go. Strange, huh?
I've always had a feeling for past lives. Maybe its been ingrained into me, my grandmother bought and sold antiques until she died when I was 19. Every piece she owned always reminded me that someone owned them before; cooked with them, sat on them, put clothing into them, slept on them. I always imagined how their lives went, using these items. I wondered what their dreams were, if they met every goal, or if they died regretting some major part of their life. I had my own 4 poster bed and I would spend hours laying on it, imagining some girl from the past doing the same. I guess I'm just an old soul myself.
Anyway...the beauty of the internet allows me to see places I know I'm never going to see, with only a hint of the fear, but all of the awe, I would have. Thank God I don't need a passport for this. ;-)
So where have I been...would you believe hell and back?? Maybe that's a bit over the top. But the important thing is, I'm still here. My parents have both just died in December, my son is still living 3 hours away, my grandchildren are growing like weeds, and I'm still floundering as far as my personal life goes. Some things are better, however. I'm no longer penniless and am able to handle my own personal needs. I have a few creature comforts now, some new wardrobe items, and can take delight in little things like salon hair cuts and adding to my ever growing library of books. But as far as the matters of the heart, I'm still in limbo. I do have one I having tugging at my heartstrings, but for now, I cannot jump in without repercussions. Sigh.
I have a confession to make; I've always known this but never really admitted to to anyone. I'm extremely fearful, but in such intense awe that I cannot help myself from studying, looking for, and seeking out, all that is of past lives. I'm not kidding...I'm talking about statues, art work, ruins and temples and other huge gathering places from ancient times....I feel so small, insignificant and scared!! Its as if I can feel those who lived there or wandered through and their presence touches me in a way that tells me that I'm intruding on their hallowed grounds.
My fear, I think, comes from an antique my grandmother kept. Its comparable to the viewfinders kids have these days (or do they even HAVE those these days?? More popular during my son's time, I think) Post cards in color were printed double, side by side, and these cards were placed on the fitting at the end of the viewer. When you look through the lenses, the 2 become one, and in 3D. My favorite but most feared was one of the Great Pyramid of Giza. It leapt out at me, making me certain the mummies of the crypts would come stumbling out onto the sand, reaching for my eyes. I know, how childish. But it was an impression I never could rid myself of. I"m still facinated with all that is Eygptian, and I think my place of choice to visit when growing up would have been there. But....I know I am too afraid of feeling all those past lives brushing against me, the vast echoing spaces of their temples and ruins overpowering me, to where I would not be able to enjoy it. Even museums, as much as I adore them, give me a feeling of intimidation. Yet, i can't help but seek them out everywhere I go. Strange, huh?
I've always had a feeling for past lives. Maybe its been ingrained into me, my grandmother bought and sold antiques until she died when I was 19. Every piece she owned always reminded me that someone owned them before; cooked with them, sat on them, put clothing into them, slept on them. I always imagined how their lives went, using these items. I wondered what their dreams were, if they met every goal, or if they died regretting some major part of their life. I had my own 4 poster bed and I would spend hours laying on it, imagining some girl from the past doing the same. I guess I'm just an old soul myself.
Anyway...the beauty of the internet allows me to see places I know I'm never going to see, with only a hint of the fear, but all of the awe, I would have. Thank God I don't need a passport for this. ;-)
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