Just as I feared...I get so busy my blog gets left behind. But like a faithful dog, it is still here, waiting for a pat on the head. Truth is, I have been afraid to get back on here, seeing how I made such a fool of myself with my last post. As you might guess, it was a bust. I should have known!! But its all good. Its not important enough to spend days, weeks, months, or even 3 years worrying about.
So where have I been...would you believe hell and back?? Maybe that's a bit over the top. But the important thing is, I'm still here. My parents have both just died in December, my son is still living 3 hours away, my grandchildren are growing like weeds, and I'm still floundering as far as my personal life goes. Some things are better, however. I'm no longer penniless and am able to handle my own personal needs. I have a few creature comforts now, some new wardrobe items, and can take delight in little things like salon hair cuts and adding to my ever growing library of books. But as far as the matters of the heart, I'm still in limbo. I do have one I having tugging at my heartstrings, but for now, I cannot jump in without repercussions. Sigh.
I have a confession to make; I've always known this but never really admitted to to anyone. I'm extremely fearful, but in such intense awe that I cannot help myself from studying, looking for, and seeking out, all that is of past lives. I'm not kidding...I'm talking about statues, art work, ruins and temples and other huge gathering places from ancient times....I feel so small, insignificant and scared!! Its as if I can feel those who lived there or wandered through and their presence touches me in a way that tells me that I'm intruding on their hallowed grounds.
My fear, I think, comes from an antique my grandmother kept. Its comparable to the viewfinders kids have these days (or do they even HAVE those these days?? More popular during my son's time, I think) Post cards in color were printed double, side by side, and these cards were placed on the fitting at the end of the viewer. When you look through the lenses, the 2 become one, and in 3D. My favorite but most feared was one of the Great Pyramid of Giza. It leapt out at me, making me certain the mummies of the crypts would come stumbling out onto the sand, reaching for my eyes. I know, how childish. But it was an impression I never could rid myself of. I"m still facinated with all that is Eygptian, and I think my place of choice to visit when growing up would have been there. But....I know I am too afraid of feeling all those past lives brushing against me, the vast echoing spaces of their temples and ruins overpowering me, to where I would not be able to enjoy it. Even museums, as much as I adore them, give me a feeling of intimidation. Yet, i can't help but seek them out everywhere I go. Strange, huh?
I've always had a feeling for past lives. Maybe its been ingrained into me, my grandmother bought and sold antiques until she died when I was 19. Every piece she owned always reminded me that someone owned them before; cooked with them, sat on them, put clothing into them, slept on them. I always imagined how their lives went, using these items. I wondered what their dreams were, if they met every goal, or if they died regretting some major part of their life. I had my own 4 poster bed and I would spend hours laying on it, imagining some girl from the past doing the same. I guess I'm just an old soul myself.
Anyway...the beauty of the internet allows me to see places I know I'm never going to see, with only a hint of the fear, but all of the awe, I would have. Thank God I don't need a passport for this. ;-)
