Why is it an idle mind is a BUSY mind?? I have too much time on my hands, time to sit and aimlessly think think think...even when at my computer doing something (which is usually mindless) I'm thinking all the time. Reliving the past, worrying about the present, dreaming about the future. A lot of what ifs, I should have, why did I, and how could I accomplish this. Some days its easy to sort of shut down the thinking process, but lately its impossible. It wakes me up, keeps me from getting to sleep, I toss and turn, screaming inside "SHUT UP!!!" And just when I think I have it down to a dull roar, that little voice pipes up and says "oh, but have you thought of THIS??"
I relive my past way too much; my husband's death, caring for my mother and her death, past loves who have filled me with great joy or huge disappointment, my childhood, my working days...all the bad things that happened, things I did that was stupid or wrong, wrongs done to me (and there were many, but haven't we all suffered at one time or another??). The birth of my son, my grandchildren. Losing my job, which was humiliating and humbling, the loss of my home and dignity. Things I should put out of my mind and can't, memories that will remain and should...why do they all must jumble around so much lately??
It doesn't help I'm on a nostalgia music kick; you know, songs that immediately remind you of a place and time, a person or event. So I play them...they stick in my mind and play over and over, invoking the memory they represent, making my mood almost manic with happiness or sadness, anger or whatever the feeling was at the time.
I know we do this as we grow older. But please, I'm only 51 and shouldn't be doing this yet! Time to find some busy work, something that I can quiet the inner voices down some, so I can maybe not feel like I'm going insane.
Note to self: do not pull up YouTube tomorrow and look for Journey (Lovin, Touching, Squeezin; Lights) U2 (With or Without You; You Say), Savage Garden (I Knew I Loved You), or Scorpions (Wind of Change) puhleeze!!! The day will go better if you just leave it be!!
PS Interested in someone right now...must not scare this one off with my clingy tendencies!
